Where IS God...during the deaths in my life?

When we are young we are told over and over again by our parents and teachers that we have our whole lives ahead of us. The part they tend to leave out of their inspirational pep-talks is that the people we love aren't always going to be a part of this "rest of our lives". Our lives are going to change and go ways that we don't wish them to go. Of course that makes perfect common sense...but today was the first time I have fully appreciated that. People die. It's what they do. But for a young person such as myself, people passing away has always seemed to happen to people who I'm not overly close to, or it happens for the best and is a relief because I know they are now in the arms of God. This time however...it is ripping me to pieces.

For the past few weeks I have been watching my Grandpa Allen deteriorate rapidly. And to be honest, it is killing me. Life in general has been difficult for the past little while, but this additional sorrow has become too much for me. I love him so much. He blesses me on a constant basis and I feel so unworthy and undeserving of everything he gives me. He has dedicated his entire life to following Christ, and God has blessed him so much for his service.

Now I pace the house screaming with tears rolling down my face. Everything is out of my control. All I can do is wait by the phone and hope that the next phone call won't be much worse than the previous. It pains me so much to see my Grandpa suffer, but I don't want to let him go or see him go.

We talk about giving everything to God. In theory it should be the easiest thing to do. Let God, the Maker of the universe, take care of my needs. He is fully capable of doing that. But to actually let go...at this exact moment of my life...it seems to be nearly impossible.

I keep turning to everything and everyone of this world to give me comfort and peace. I go online or to my phone and scroll through all the possible friends I could talk to...but I know that no one will really understand what I'm going through or how I'm feeling, so i don't even bother. I want to turn to people even though I really want to turn to God. But right now, I don't even know how to turn to God. It's such a frustrating feeling to be far from God when you really want to be close to Him.

I have no fear of death. My fear is of life. Life without someone who I wish I was closer to. Life without someone who is such an awesome Godly leader. Life without someone who I trust with anything. Life without my Grandpa. That is what I fear.

It kills me to think about the fact that my Grandpa will never know who I marry and won't be there to make a speech at my wedding. He'll never meet his great-grandchildren and worse yet, they won't know him. I won't be able to call him on the phone and hear him answer with that wonderful telephone-voice "Hello?". When I walk by his house, he will no longer be there.

My Grandpa wants to leave this earth and go to Heaven to be with his God. He wants to be where the love of his life, my Grandma, is. I want him to be there too. But I also want him here.

I am the person I am today because of how my Grandpa walks faithfully with the Lord, how he loved and raised his family and ran his household. He taught my Dad right from wrong and to do what is pleasing to God. He was a fantastic example for my Dad as he grew up. I will be forever thankful.

So, Where IS God...during the deaths in my life? Well, although this is a horrible time for me, one thing's for sure:

All's well that ends well...and even though the end has not yet come, it has been decided, and that gives me (us) the freedom of hope because Jesus Christ is Lord.